Evil Radiation Techs

The Radiation Techs have been so nice, kind and helpful. But, sorry guys, I'm truly sick of seeing you.
You mean well, I know you do. You are the soldiers, shooting down my tumor as well as doing search and destroy missions in my lymph nodes.
But here we are, at the last week. The techs have coned down to a pin point place on my butt. It's starting to really hurt and I'm getting some very strange imagery as I lay on that damn table.

Chemo and more chemo

Yeah, it's my sixth and last week. But no celebrations yet. I have to go thru the whole Chemo regime all over again.
That means a nice big dose of Mitomycin on Monday and then a whole week of that damn 5-FU in it's little evil yellow balloon. God I hate that stuff.
My gums turn white, my blood looks watery and everything taste bad.
This time is worse then the first. My energy level really plummets. I feel like I'm constantly walking uphill and it all seems a whole lot heavier then before.
On the plus side, I know that all the worse symptoms of the chemo will end in a couple of weeks.
Of course there are all those latent 'side effects' like heart disease and blood problems...but I'm only gonna deal with the ones I can immediately feel.

The Final Countdown

Finally arrived at the Last Week! HOORAY!!
Now they are coning down my butt. Meaning they are just targeting the site where the tumor was found.
My butt is starting to feel Quite Sore!

Coning Down

Got some bad news today. I thought I had 5 weeks of treatment but I just found out there are actually six. Bummed me out.
However, on the plus side, they have started to cone me down. Which means they are radiating less and less of my body. Rather then the all over blitz of my groin and butt they had been doing up till now, they will concentrate more and more on the problem areas.
So they are finishing up my groin. Here you can see clearly and scientifically how coning down works. They stop radiating my little lymphys this week.
And they will be doing the same with the butt....but for a longer period of time, due to that pesky tumor, damn him! I do hope he's dead or dying.

Tumor Talk

.....Message.......
Hello....you don't know me. And, if you are reading this now, I am probably dead.
I am Imelda's tumor! I left this message secretly on Imelda's computer (it was Very hard to access the keyboard from my position) in case anything ever happened to me.
I just want to give MY side of the story. I am not a villain. I am not Evil. I want what we all want. To live long and prosper in peace, to have children, to form a community of friends and relations. I am not an illegal alien. I have lived inside of Imelda her whole life and share many of her values.
We have only reached this parting of the ways because I was willing to DO something about my dreams, OUR dreams, that she was too timid to even imagine. YES, I have strived for immortality. I have had to overcome enormous prejudice and outright hostile action from the rest of Imelda's body in order to reach my personal goals. Against overwhelming odds, I have gotten to where I am today.
Except, as I said, if you are reading this, I am probably no where today. SHE attacked me when I was so willing to live in peace with her. She poisoned me, burned me as if I were some sort of medieval witch. I am not that at all. I simply tried to overcome our mutual enemy: Death. And I am not ashamed that I died trying.
.......End of Message.......

Is it Overkill?

Sometimes I wonder about the radiation treatments...and the chemo too. Is it all overkill? The big guns, the strafing, the nukes, the napalm, poisen gas...you name it. Isn't there a more elegant way to do this? A secret agent who would just go in there and shoot the cancer in the head? Or maybe scratch the cancer on its leg with a poisen tipped umbrella? There is so much collateral damage....meaning me, my butt, my skin, my innards..you name it.
If you don't know the story of the poisen umbrella, here it is:
Spy Killed by Poisen Umbrella

Hair today/Gone tomorrow

Let's fast forward to week 4. That's when all the fun really began.
I started to lose my hair, lots of it. Here's one morning's worth. I continue to lose the hair at that rate for about 10 days and then it slows to just 'a lot' . Thank goodness I really have a lot, cause it hardly shows at all. But I can feel it. I'm down to about half of what I had. What will happen when I get the next dose of chemo?
Oh, let me add, that some people don't care about hair loss, like my brother Jon who, coincidentally, has a lot of hair loss himself. And many women don't care too. GOOD FOR THEM!
But I care. It's the outward manifestation of an inward fuck up, to paraphrase the Baltimore catechism.

My New Die-It

Here is my new diet: White food, bland food, unhealthy (under normal circumstances) food: white Rice, white bread, white pasta and bananas are my main stay. Any deviations from the norm and the cancer god punishes me big time. As in doubled over in pain punishment. So I obey.
But yesterday, I was walking in the street. The smell of bacon came wafting from some coffee shop. My body turned involuntarily in that direction. I had to pull myself back. Slap myself, metaphorically, on the face.
I also stand and drool in front of those hideous fast food posters in the subway: stuff I would never eat normally. Well, the stuff I AM eating is stuff I wouldn't eat normally.
I want olives, and greens with garlic, and brown rice, and salad (except in Germany), and (Tears) a chorizo, a morcilla, some cheeeeese.

My PERFECT BUTT

While I'm laying on the table, getting ready to be irradiated, I can hear the techs murmuring over my butt.
They say things like, "AWESOME", "PERFECT", "EXCELLENT"
I've never had my butt so admired!
But really it's all about the how I'm positioned on the table. When my tattoos line up perfectly with the lasers, then the techs are happy. Otherwise, they have to twist my legs until it's all "Perfect".

The Kinkiness of Strangers.

This woman, in a Carmen Miranda outfit, was handing out flyers in front of the hospital where I go for radiation every day. She agreed to pose with me after I put the guilts on her, mentioning the 'C' word...that's cancer.

Week Two

That should be WEAK TOO.
By the second weak, the chemo affects have kicked in. I'm tired, oh so tired. I can barely stay awake, even on the subway, going to my radiation appointments.

Missing in Action

This is the time when I really miss my husband Wil. He was around for my breast cancer treatment, many years before. He added a note of reality, confusion, support, humor and love to what I was going thru. He was my muse.
Here you see us in happier times. He was also a ham for having his picture taken.

Side Effects

They call them side effects so you won't take them so seriously. But they are actually just plain old EFFECTS. One of the Effects, that I noticed right away, from the chemo, was Nausea. UGH. I was given something for it and had to take medicine every day that first week to counter it.
I never actually did get to what is shown in the picture, but I FELT LIKE IT!
Let's face it, everything about anal cancer is in the toilet.

First Radiation Treatment

The three techs measure carefully, check, measure, x-ray, check some more. This picture is not technically correct. Of course, the techs left the room before the radiation therapy took place.
It didn't hurt in the least. I've got pretty tough skin.

It's Showtime!

The first day of treatment: It starts out at the chemo suite. First I'm given some anti-nausea medicine, then I'm given my dose of Mitomycin. Yummy! Then a tube is attached to my port along with a bottle of 5-FU. The bottle will hang from a pouch on my waist for 3 days, then I go back to the suite for a refill. Finally it's all done on Friday.
Here I am with my 5-FU. Inside the bottle is a bulb of the medicine. Over the following days, the bulb will deflate as the medicine goes into me. There's no motor or anything. I'm told it happens thru body movement.
I'm also given pages and pages of info on the medicines. But I'll only tell you about the side effects that happened to me as they come along.